One of the things that amazes me every day is noticing how deeply embedded we are with our culture of origin. I think it is almost impossible to overcome (I say “almost” only because there may be a margin of error I haven’t thought of). It colors everything we perceive in the bedrock of who we are as individuals and as citizens. Because of this, we have biases.
Living with an Arab family, I find things every single day that cause me to pause, back up, and peer through a cultural lens, which I find fascinating. Let me give you an example. At dinner time, in America, everyone grabs a plate of food our parent has cooked for us. We eat it even if we’re not crazy about the menu. If we choose not to eat it, we already know how an American parent will react to this. You’ll here things like “I spent two hours fixing this food for you. If you’re not going to eat it, you will go to bed hungry because you have wasted my time and money.”
So, the first time my Arab grandchildren refused to eat the food the nanny cooked for them, I switched into American Mode and started my spiel. “You’re wasting time and money. You can’t have anything else to eat tonight.” However, it didn’t take long for one or more of the kids to sneak a quick message to Mama and Baba explaining that they didn’t like the menu and grandma would not allow them to have the nanny make something else.
This confused my daughter-in-law. Her eyes widened and she asked “Why can they not have what they want?” So, this event triggered a meeting (we have lots of those) and I examined the stark differences in our cultures. My daughter in law explained that it was a matter of respect, and she fully expected the nanny to comply with the request and cook something else. Then, it hit me. For me, it boiled down to, again, time and money. Since the nanny had cooked, it wasted her time, and she gets paid to do her job, which is to take care of the kids. In the UAE, money is not an important issue. Arab culture is very extravagant when offering food and drink. Bringing out all that you have to present to your guests is the norm, even if it is too much. Arab culture is not materialistic, but it is lavish with food.
By removing my concern with money and time, I was able to understand why the issue had come up. My frugal son-in-law tends to take my side on this issue, and our family continues to meet on this issue.
The real problem is picky kids. The nanny now asks what they all want for dinner, and I have launched a campaign to ease them into real food instead of nuggets and fries. Just getting them to stop picking vegetables out of the spaghetti sauce is a victory. We’re working on it.